Final RANTasy I: Why I Fucking Hate Prequels!!
Written Wednesday, April 10, 2013 By Dan WebbView author's profile
I fucking hate prequels, I really do. Don’t get me wrong either, I don’t just hate them… I fucking hate them. They're detestable things and they should never exist, especially in the video game industry. They make no sense. Not one bit.
Why you ask? Well, for one, if you’re picking something that is already common knowledge, then it effectively ruins your ending. Take Titanic as a film for example: the boat sinks, get over it. Conversely, as a game, in Halo: Reach, guess what? Reach falls – there’s a fucking book about it for fuck's sake. There’s your ending gone.
“Oh, but it’s about the journey, not the ending!” Screw that, that’s a load of balls. Take BioShock Infinite for example: the ending makes that game. Would you have enjoyed the game more if you knew the ending? The answer is a resounding no. The ending can make or break a story.
This rage has come around as a result of the recent announcement of Batman: Arkham Origins and the onslaught of subsequent details. It’s a prequel… with new gadgets… new gadgets? What the fuck!? Did Batman somehow lose the Remote Claw for Arkham Asylum and Arkham City? He’s a multi-billionaire, so he could make a new one if he wanted though, right? If it’s a bit shit and he upgraded it to a more powerful tool, then that’ll surely make the gameplay of the prequel worse than the original two games. See? It makes no sense.
Gears of War: Judgment did that recently too, with a whole host of new weapons appearing… weapons that were better than those in Gears of War 3, a game that happens a ridiculous amount of time after the events that transpire in Judgment. The worst thing is that the writers are then forced to come up with some bullshit – and apparently believable – reason why they’re going to mysteriously disappear after the game end, as if some new alien force landed on Earth and sucked up all the Markzas with their huge collective anus. Fuck. Off.
Let’s talk the recent Tomb Raider for a minute here… Tomb Raider 9… Tomb Raider fucking 9 is a prequel. Great! We get to see Lara’s roots then. According to Lara’s roots, she basically crashed on an island, learned how to slaughter a small army and then learnt how to climb these craggy rock faces, and then for the rest of the games she forgot about them. How does that make any sense?
Prequels are utter bollocks.
That’s not to say that prequels are bad games, oh hell no. In fact they can be excellent games like Halo: Reach and Deus Ex: Human Revolution, but in the grand scheme of things, they’re fucked up and a lot of things don’t make much sense.
I’d go as far as to say that they’re lazy in some respects. A bit like, “We’ve taken and evolved this franchise as far as we can go and we’ve run out of ideas, so let’s go back to square one.” What kind of fucked up logic is that? It’s like Microsoft saying, “Windows 8 is a bit shit – it is, but that’s a story for another day – so let’s go back to Windows 98.” Okay, so it's nothing like that, but I'm over-dramatising to make a point.
Mass Effect has always been one of my favourite franchises, mainly for its rich lore and sci-fi universe. Now, if BioWare goes and rewinds the clock to tell a new story set before Shepard was a galactic hero, then that’s surely going to fuck up a lot of things. You essentially won’t hear about the Collectors or the Reapers, and the tech won’t have advanced, it should – by all logic – go backwards. And if they do introduce new weapons, new races and the like, then where the hell was that in Mass Effect 1-3? It’d be fucked up and not only effectively becoming jarring for the universe, but it’d make no fucking sense.
Prequels are bollocks. There’s nothing more to be said about them, and don’t get all high and mighty on me and say the games are actually good games – I know that, thanks for stating what I said above – I’m just saying that the notion of a prequel is complete and utter bollocks. And that’s all I have to say on the matter.
Prequels are bollocks.
[Final RANTasy is our latest feature where our writers just unshackle their journalistic integrity and professionalism, and just go to town on whatever has been rubbing them up the wrong way. With swear words galore, a faint presence of sense – but not much – look out for this fiery fusion of rage and passion. It’s likely to upset people, so don’t read if you have a sensitive disposition. If you’re reading this though, chances are you’ve probably already read the feature, so sorry.]